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Programming Language Checklist
by Colin McMillen, Jason Reed, and Elly Fong-Jones, 2011-10-10.
filled out for Evocation by Irenes, 2026-06-05.
You appear to be advocating a new:
[ ] functional [X] imperative [ ] object-oriented [ ] procedural [X] stack-based
[ ] "multi-paradigm" [ ] lazy [X] eager [ ] statically-typed [ ] dynamically-typed
[ ] pure [X] impure [X] non-hygienic [ ] visual [ ] beginner-friendly
[X] non-programmer-friendly [X] completely incomprehensible
programming language. Your language will not work. Here is why it will not work.
You appear to believe that:
[X] Syntax is what makes programming difficult
[ ] Garbage collection is free [ ] Computers have infinite memory
[X] Nobody really needs:
[X] concurrency [ ] a REPL [X] debugger support [X] IDE support [X] I/O
[ ] to interact with code not written in your language
[ ] The entire world speaks 7-bit ASCII
[X] Scaling up to large software projects will be easy
[X] Convincing programmers to adopt a new language will be easy
[ ] Convincing programmers to adopt a language-specific IDE will be easy
[ ] Programmers love writing lots of boilerplate
[X] Specifying behaviors as "undefined" means that programmers won't rely on them
[X] "Spooky action at a distance" makes programming more fun
Unfortunately, your language (has/lacks):
[X] comprehensible syntax [X] semicolons [ ] significant whitespace [ ] macros
[ ] implicit type conversion [ ] explicit casting [ ] type inference
[ ] goto [ ] exceptions [ ] closures [ ] tail recursion [ ] coroutines
[ ] reflection [ ] subtyping [ ] multiple inheritance [ ] operator overloading
[ ] algebraic datatypes [ ] recursive types [ ] polymorphic types
[ ] covariant array typing [ ] monads [ ] dependent types
[ ] infix operators [ ] nested comments [ ] multi-line strings [ ] regexes
[ ] call-by-value [ ] call-by-name [ ] call-by-reference [ ] call-cc
The following philosophical objections apply:
[ ] Programmers should not need to understand category theory to write "Hello, World!"
[ ] Programmers should not develop RSI from writing "Hello, World!"
[X] The most significant program written in your language is its own compiler
[ ] The most significant program written in your language isn't even its own compiler
[X] No language spec
[ ] "The implementation is the spec"
[ ] The implementation is closed-source [ ] covered by patents [ ] not owned by you
[ ] Your type system is unsound [X] Your language cannot be unambiguously parsed
[ ] a proof of same is attached
[ ] invoking this proof crashes the compiler
[ ] The name of your language makes it impossible to find on Google
[X] Interpreted languages will never be as fast as C
[X] Compiled languages will never be "extensible"
[X] Writing a compiler that understands English is AI-complete
[ ] Your language relies on an optimization which has never been shown possible
[ ] There are less than 100 programmers on Earth smart enough to use your language
[ ] ____________________________ takes exponential time
[ ] ____________________________ is known to be undecidable
Your implementation has the following flaws:
[ ] CPUs do not work that way
[X] RAM does not work that way
[ ] VMs do not work that way
[ ] Compilers do not work that way
[ ] Compilers cannot work that way
[ ] Shift-reduce conflicts in parsing seem to be resolved using rand()
[X] You require the compiler to be present at runtime
[X] You require the language runtime to be present at compile-time
[ ] Your compiler errors are completely inscrutable
[ ] Dangerous behavior is only a warning
[ ] The compiler crashes if you look at it funny
[ ] The VM crashes if you look at it funny
[ ] You don't seem to understand basic optimization techniques
[ ] You don't seem to understand basic systems programming
[ ] You don't seem to understand pointers
[ ] You don't seem to understand functions
Additionally, your marketing has the following problems:
[ ] Unsupported claims of increased productivity
[ ] Unsupported claims of greater "ease of use"
[ ] Obviously rigged benchmarks
[ ] Graphics, simulation, or crypto benchmarks where your code just calls
handwritten assembly through your FFI
[ ] String-processing benchmarks where you just call PCRE
[ ] Matrix-math benchmarks where you just call BLAS
[X] Noone really believes that your language is faster than:
[X] assembly [X] C [ ] FORTRAN [ ] Java [ ] Ruby [ ] Prolog
[X] Rejection of orthodox programming-language theory without justification
[ ] Rejection of orthodox systems programming without justification
[ ] Rejection of orthodox algorithmic theory without justification
[ ] Rejection of basic computer science without justification
Taking the wider ecosystem into account, I would like to note that:
[ ] Your complex sample code would be one line in: _______________________
[X] We already have an unsafe imperative language
[ ] We already have a safe imperative OO language
[ ] We already have a safe statically-typed eager functional language
[X] You have reinvented Lisp but worse
[ ] You have reinvented Javascript but worse
[ ] You have reinvented Java but worse
[ ] You have reinvented C++ but worse
[ ] You have reinvented PHP but worse
[ ] You have reinvented PHP better, but that's still no justification
[X] You have reinvented Brainfuck but non-ironically
In conclusion, this is what I think of you:
[ ] You have some interesting ideas, but this won't fly.
[ ] This is a bad language, and you should feel bad for inventing it.
[X] Programming in this language is an adequate punishment for inventing it.
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